[sacw] SACW | 14 Feb. 02

[Harsh Kapoor]

South Asia Citizens Wire - Dispatch | 14 February 2002

------------------------------------------

#1. Letter to the President of Pakistan for abolition of laws biased=20
& discriminatory against women
#2. Why Indian Muslims will vote secular (Praful Bidwai)
#3. Cultural Revolution for Jammu &Kashmir - Ramachandra Gandhi in an=20
interview with Ajeet Cour
#4. Valentine problems in Saudi Arabia and India
#5. Hinduism in hot pants (Sagarika Ghose)
#6. The Mussalam-e-Murgh Dossier (Vishwambhar Pati)

________________________

#1.

Dear Members and Friends of Asiapeace,

Ms Farah Deeba, Member District Assembly Lahore, has prepared an=20
appeal for the abolition of discriminatory laws against women in=20
Pakistan. Please sign it (I suppose one can do it as an individual as=20
well as on behalf of an organization) and SEND IT TO THE FOLLOWING=20
EMAIL ADDRESS:=20
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/asiapeace/member_detail?id=3D44832521>sarmad=
=20
<lawpak@n...>

Warm regards,
Ishtiaq Ahmed
Associate Professor
Department of Political Science
Stockholm University
Tel: work: 00 46 8 16 26 24
Ishtiaq.Ahmed@s...

o o o

"<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/asiapeace/member_detail?id=3D44832521>sarma=
d"=20
<lawpak@n...>
Date: Tue Feb 12, 2002 3:36am

Dear Friends

There are more than one laws presently in Pakistan that are biased=20
and discriminatory against women. Most of these laws were framed by=20
the military regime of General Zia ul Haq to undermine the women=20
folk of the country. Below is a letter addressed to General Pervez=20
Musharraf the President of Pakistan for abolition of these=20
discriminatory and biased laws. Please sign this letter and circulate=20
among the friends.

sincerely

Farah Deeba
Member
District Assembly Lahore.
+++++++++++++++++++++

General Pervez Mushraff
President
Islamic Republic of Pakistan
Chief Executive Secretariat
Islamabad.

Dear Mr. President,

We recall the guarantees of equality contained in the Constitution=20
and statutory laws of Pakistan and the International obligations=20
undertaken when Pakistan ratified the U.N. Convention on the=20
Elimination of all Forms of Discrimination against Women.

To protect and safeguard the women's rights, we the undersigned urge=20
upon you to repeal all laws discriminatory to the rights of women of=20
Pakistan on 08th March 2002- Women's International Day.

Name Organization Addr=
ess

1. Dr Ishtiaq Ahmed Asiapeace=20
Department of Political Science, Stockholm University, 106 91=20
Stockholm, Sweden.
2.
3.

______

#2.

The News International
February 14, 2002

WHY INDIAN MUSLIMS WILL VOTE SECULAR
Praful Bidwai

So desperate is the Bharatiya Janata Party not to lose the coming=20
Uttar Pradesh legislature elections that it is playing every trick in=20
the book -- without much avail. It tried to split the low-caste=20
(Other Backward Classes) and Dalit (former Untouchables) votes with a=20
new reservation policy. When that failed, it resorted to shameless=20
populism -- with 750 "promises" of concessions inside a year by chief=20
minister Rajnath Singh.

It has since beaten the "National Security" and "Terrorism" drums,=20
and even got its cousin, the Vishwa Hindu Parishad, to revive the=20
obnoxious and highly divisive demand for building a Ram temple where=20
the Babri mosque stood until 1992.

None of this is working. So the BJP is now pathetically reduced to=20
hoping that a split in the Muslim vote -- a fifth of UP's population,=20
and second only to the Dalits' 22 percent strength -- would somehow=20
help it win about 120 seats (of a total of 403) and possibly form a=20
government in alliance with the Dalit-dominated Bahujan Samaj Party.

True, all the secular parties are courting UP's Muslims. The BSP has=20
put up 86 Muslim candidates and the Congress 79. But their target=20
seems unmoved by any ethnic appeal. On all available indications,=20
Muslims won't vote en bloc, but choose -- carefully, wisely and=20
astutely -- such secularcandidates as are best placed to defeat the=20
BJP.

Meanwhile, the so-called Shahi Imam of Delhi's Jama Masjid, Syed=20
Ahmed Bukhari, has struck a strange note. Bukhari, who considers=20
himself the "authentic" voice of North Indian Muslims -- a category=20
as woolly as the claim, has called upon Muslims not to vote for any=20
particular party. He contends that all parties are equally inimical=20
to Muslim interests.

Although Bukhari takes swipes at the BJP, Congress and BSP, his ire=20
is especially directed at the Samajwadi Party, which was the choice=20
of 68 percent of UP's Muslims in the 1996 Assembly elections and=20
three-fourths or more in the 1998 and 1999 Lok Sabha elections.

Bukhari is of course entitled to his opinions, although they matter=20
to almost nobody. But he doesn't stop there. He says the time has=20
come for Muslims to form their own party just "as the BJP (is) for=20
(the) Hindus, the SP for Yadavs, BSP for Dalits."

Bukhari is totally, completely, disastrously wrong. The BJP is no=20
more a party of "the Hindus" than "Vande Mataram" is India's National=20
Anthem. The BJP does not represent "Hindu" interests -- even assuming=20
that a population twice the size of Europe has uniform "common=20
interests". Rather, it has an upper caste or bhadralok-oriented,=20
parochial, uniquely sectarian, communal agenda.

More important, Bukhari seriously misjudges the Muslim mood. North=20
Indian Muslims have stoutly defied the widely prevalent trend among=20
ethnic-religious minorities to form their own political parties.=20
Instead, they have opted for assimilative, integrative politics=20
within a broadly secular-pluralist framework. They would have a=20
"voice" rather than "representation".

Over the past 20 to 30 years, ethnic-Muslim parties like the Muslim=20
League -- a purely South Indian formation -- or=20
Majlis-Ittehad-ul-Muslimeen (confined to Hyderabad), have suffered a=20
decline. Even when faced with the Congress' shrinking over the past=20
two decades, Northern Muslims didn't create a party of their own.=20
Rather, they opted for multi-ethnic, pluralist "mainstream" parties,=20
led by non-Muslims.

That they remained steadfastly committed to non-denominational=20
politics despite the trauma of the Babri demolition and the pogroms=20
that followed is a tribute to the political maturity of the community=20
and its devotion to an anti-separatist identity.

By contrast, Muslims in many other countries tend to form their own=20
parties or pressure-groups. This is true of countries as varied as=20
the former Yugoslavia, Western Europe, Nigeria, and Sri Lanka. This=20
is also true of many Arabs, Chinese, Kurds and Indians living abroad.

This contrast is related to some broader trends among Indian Muslims,=20
which favour their secularisation and integration into pluralist=20
politics.

At least three tendencies are discernible. First, a strong current --=20
some might call it "wave" of social reform, modernisation and=20
redefinition of identities is sweeping through India's Muslim=20
community. It is less and lesspreoccupied with Islamic identities,=20
icons and symbols. It questions orthodox interpretations of the=20
scriptures -- on talaq, violence, and the veil.

The Indian Muslim is rejecting the stereotype of a devout, namazi,=20
but "naturally" blinkered, aggressive person steeped in feudal ways=20
of thinking. His personal relationships are changing, as are his food=20
habits, proficiency in languages, and social attitudes.

Second, although Indian Muslims as a collective force are socially,=20
educationally and economically disadvantaged, a new stratum has=20
crystallised among them, which is rooted in modern education, secular=20
values and the liberal professions. This stratum is qualitatively=20
different from the landed gentry or ashraf elite that tended to=20
provide community leadership until the 1970s.

Today's role-models are modern, forward-looking, progressive,=20
secular: successful businessmen Azim Premji (Wipro) and Y K Hamied=20
(Cipla), poet Javed Akhtar and cricketer Azharuddin, actress Shabana=20
Azmi and scholar Imtiaz Ahmed.

Third, there is sincere introspection within the community on a range=20
of issues: causes of social backwardness, gender justice, separation=20
between religion and politics, importance of modern education and of=20
entry into the professions and the bureaucracy.

Recent events, some traumatic, have impelled this introspection.=20
Domestically, these include the eclipse of Urdu, the Babri=20
demolition, Hindu communalism's ascendancy, and the discrediting of=20
the "traditional" patronage-based Muslim leadership. Internationally,=20
they include the spread of fundamentalism, the end of the Cold War,=20
and Islam's growing vilification as the West's "Other", followed by=20
September 11.

Whatever the causes, this introspection is a fact. It favours social=20
reform, modernisation and secularisation. Today, a Javed Akhtar can=20
go to Aligarh Muslim University and ask a students' gathering to=20
forget about the Babri mosque and confront their real priorities in=20
life. Muslim women, many of them barely literate, are fruitfully=20
debating the injustices of "Triple talaq". And Reformist Bohras can=20
hold a convention in Bhopal to denounce both terrorism and the=20
super-orthodox clergy.

It may take some time before these tendencies crystallise in a new=20
social and political leadership. This won't be a smooth, linear,=20
process. But the overall trend, and its direction, is unmistakably=20
positive -- in contrast to the retrograde evolution of the=20
religious-minded upper-caste Hindu elite.

The dominant trend there is the closure of the mind, retreat from=20
modernist and secular goals, jingoistic nationalism, superstition,=20
obsession with "proving" that everything worthy originated in India,=20
indeed in the Vedas. The utterly deplorable rewriting of textbooks to=20
falsify the past and inculcate vicious forms of nationalism, is only=20
one example of Hindutva's growing assault on pluralist values.

Indian Muslims, and the vast majority of Hindus, have emerged as the=20
staunchest defenders of these values. Their assertive defence is=20
liable to put the communalists on the run. This may already have=20
happened in UP, where the BJP seems unable to capitalise either on=20
the "National-Security-and-Terrorism" platform, or on the temple.

If the BJP is decisively defeated in UP, the situation in India will=20
become conducive to greater internal democratisation -- and to=20
reconciliation and peace with Pakistan. That will be a welcome break.

______

#3.

The Times of India
FEBRUARY 14, 2002
INTERVIEW

CULTURAL REVOLUTION FOR J&K

[ WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2002 10:57:48 PM ]
Both Indians and Pakistanis believe in performing rituals so that the=20
souls of the dead may rest in peace. But neither country has atoned=20
for the murder of two million people during partition, says eminent=20
philosopher Ramachandra Gandhi. In an interview with Ajeet Cour, he=20
speaks about Mahatma Gandhi, truth, non-violence, India, Pakistan and=20
the Kashmir conflict:
How far is the idea of non-violence still valid in today's politics?
I think the idea of non-violence is as valid as ever before. In fact,=20
even more so in the context of today's politics. Truth is=20
self-restraint, not the luxury of avoidable violence. Politics which=20
legitimises and glorifies violence cannot sustain human civilisation=20
or the miracle of life on earth.
In reality, however, truth often seems to demand violence. How would=20
you, for example, deal with the India-Pakistan relationship against=20
this background?
India and Pakistan, as undivided India, attained freedom through=20
non-violence. Today they are nuclear powers. A country of 400 million=20
people was torn asunder by partition, a living reality was=20
vivisected, in Gandhi's words. In the process two million people were=20
slaughtered - quibbling over the exact figure does not diminish the=20
scale of the evil. Do we even remember the loss of these lives? These=20
people were neither Hindus nor Muslims nor Sikhs, neither Indians nor=20
Pakistanis, but children of ageless, indivisible Mother India, caught=20
in a holocaust of politically engineered hatred. Crucified like=20
Christ, killed like Gandhi, for no fault of theirs.
We mourn, and rightly too, the slaughter of six million Jews in Nazi=20
Germany. Have we ever mourned our own two million, led like lambs to=20
the slaughter-house? Partitioning India was no less violent than the=20
act of dropping atom bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Have India and=20
Pakistan apologised to each other for allowing such a massacre? Have=20
we repented for this crime? Both Indians and Pakistanis believe in=20
the sacred duty of performing rituals for the dead, so that their=20
souls may rest in peace. However, we in India and Pakistan, cannot=20
claim to have performed the last rites for two million brothers and=20
sisters of ours, because we are responsible for their murder. Without=20
atonement for this heinous crime, we cannot pray for peace for the=20
souls of our victims.
So what should we do? How will this reminder of duty to the dead help=20
us find a solution to the conflict in Kashmir?
First, let us look at some inconvenient facts. It was not until the=20
1970s, I think, that Pakistan became constitutionally an Islamic=20
state. Non-Islamic peoples and their sacred sites and heritages in=20
Pakistan automatically suffered a diminution of status. They may or=20
may not always be treated badly by the state, but the fact remains=20
that constitutional violence has been done against them, their=20
cultural and political rights curtailed. Pakistan, as a result, has=20
no right to claim the spiritually diverse territory of J&K, because=20
that would plainly mean subjecting more people to constitutional=20
violence. Not only people but the entire non-Islamic spiritual=20
heritage of the area would suffer the violence of unequal respect.
Especially after the Bamiyan vandalism, spiritual and cultural=20
heritages which belong to humanity as a whole cannot be allowed to be=20
threatened by state-established religious and cultural hegemonism.=20
That is India's strongest argument against Pakistan continuing to=20
covet Jammu and Kashmir. This argument will not be available to India=20
if it becomes a Hindu state, or if hatred of religious minorities and=20
historical vengefulness are encouraged by Hindu fanaticism, which=20
resulted, for instance, in the demolition of the Babri Masjid and its=20
aftermath of communal violence.
Is this not a utopian perspective? What action can be taken that will=20
bring the present dangerous situation under control?
I suggest that within existing sovereignties, that is without=20
upsetting Pakistani-administered Kashmir or Indian-administered=20
Kashmir, a cultural parliament be established for the territory of=20
J&K as a whole. Half the members of this parliament would be from=20
J&K, and half from the subcontinent as a whole. In addition to being=20
a part of India and Pakistan politically, J&K would then also be,=20
culturally and spiritually, a piece of subcontinental territory.
The symbolic resurrection of undivided India, which such a gesture=20
would represent, will be the beginning of atonement for the sacrifice=20
of two million innocent human beings at the altar of partition; the=20
performance of their last rites.
Such a composite cultural parliament will seek not to rule but to=20
serve the people and the environment and all the heritages of the=20
region on behalf of the subcontinent as a whole. Not by replacing or=20
supplanting existing legislatures and sovereignties, but by=20
supplementing them with the spiritual and moral voice of more than=20
one billion human beings, whose unity is much older than their=20
present alienation. Such an arrangement will not be a refusal to=20
accept the reality of Pakistan, but serve to restore a measure of=20
dignity to the tragedy of partition.
Do you believe such a proposal would be accepted by the peoples of=20
India and Pakistan?
The people of our subcontinent have a highly evolved spiritual=20
sensibility. Their desire for atonement for the holocaust of=20
partition cannot be weaker than the desire of some for ceaseless=20
vengeance and territorial aggrandisement. Providence has brought=20
Hinduism and Islam together in this great land so that the whole=20
world could benefit from their peaceful coexistence and creative=20
cooperation.
What is your response to the demand for an independent Jammu & Kashmir?
The long-suffering people of J&K have an opportunity of facilitating=20
a miracle of atonement and reconciliation between India and Pakistan=20
by choosing a middle ground between separatism and a repetition of=20
the terror of partition and the wars it has precipitated: a mode of=20
cultural unification, reflecting a unique dimension of the life of=20
our subcontinent, within existing political boundaries.
This will be true jehad. Fake jehad was most dramatically unmasked by=20
the recent terrorist attack on India's Parliament House, revealing=20
the refusal of elements in Pakistan to accept the reality of the=20
eternal, inclusive civilisation of the subcontinent, which is what is=20
represented by the Indian Parliament, but which is equally the=20
heritage of the peoples of Pakistan and Bangladesh. Pakistanis must=20
condemn this self-destructive act encouraged by sections of their=20
ruling establishment.
Was Gandhi responsible for partition?
Gandhi chose not to start an unending civil war to prevent partition,=20
because that would have cheated India - Hindus, Muslims and others -=20
of independence, the right to reverse the process of racism started=20
by European expansionism during the last few centuries. Had he been=20
allowed to live, Gandhi would have sought to heal the wounds of=20
partition, not by undoing it, but by reconstituting it in ethical and=20
spiritual ways. This is the unfinished task of subcontinental=20
independence.

______

#4.

BBC News
13th February 2002

KISSING OFF
VALENTINE PROBLEMS IN SAUDI ARABIA AND INDIA
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/middle_east/newsid_1818000/1818642.s=
tm

______

#5.

The Hindustan Times
Thursday, February 14, 2002

HINDUISM IN HOT PANTS
Sagarika Ghose

Here's the new turn-of-the-century fusion between East and West. It's=20
called 'Hindu chic'. India flounders in a savage recession, but=20
Hinduism's a sunrise industry. Rich NRIs pour in foreign exchange for=20
temples and TV shows. Publishing houses can now hope to sell=20
monographs in English on Ganesha, Krishna and Vishnu.

Hinduism's the dominant cultural motif of television serials and it's=20
Bollywood's latest obsession.

While Indian unemployment reaches the level of an epidemic, Sri Sri=20
Ravi Shankar has reason to celebrate the joy of living, because when=20
it comes to the yoga industry, unemployment may be banished with a=20
quick padmaasana.

Hinduism's been India's biggest export since Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.=20
But Hinduism's not just a tourist attraction, it's also Absolutely=20
Fashionable. There are karva chauth bashes at night clubs and Lohri=20
parties in schools. This year, during sandhi puja in Durga Puja=20
pandals, when women are supposed to dance in front of Durga holding=20
aloft bunches of dhoop, swinging mashimas clad in designer cottons=20
and sindoor effected dance routines from a Spice Girls concert.

Hindus have sold themselves their religion, via the Beatles, Madonna=20
and Julie Christie. Singing 'Jai Jagdish Hare' clad in spaghetti=20
straps as Rani Mukherjee did in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is a manifestation=20
of the new trendy global Hindu. Earlier Hinduism in Bollywood was=20
restricted to mythologicals like Jai Santoshi Ma. Now, it feeds=20
directly into the modern identity.

Take the example of K3G. Karisma Kapoor wears mini-skirts and gyrates=20
semi-nude in the evenings. But in the mornings is seen with covered=20
head, seeking the blessings of Brahma-Vishnu-Maheshwar. In the same=20
film, Hrithik Roshan arrives in London looking gorgeously gym-trained=20
wearing the very latest brands. But as he walks over Waterloo Bridge,=20
with a I'll-take-London swagger, a bhajan swells to a crescendo=20
behind him.

Released in 1994, HAHK was the original Bollywood 'Hindu=20
blockbuster'. Salman Khan in suspenders and hip-hugging jeans sang=20
that wonderfully foot-tapping song that began, 'Wah Wah Ramji". The=20
heroine, Madhuri Dixit, otherwise recognisably 'modern' as she=20
roller-skates in and out of rooms accompanied by Tuffy the dog, yet=20
in the moment of crisis prostrates herself before a white-faced=20
pantheon of Hindu gods.

In the TV serials, the family deity stands at the centre of the=20
living room. Rights are asserted through the agency of sindoor,=20
bhagwan and suhaag. Bindis, mangalsutras, bangles and flowers are the=20
parameters in which a woman confesses to being an unwed mother, or a=20
woman attempts to defy her husband. Rebellion's okay, but only when=20
it's inside the puja room.

Morris Berman, professor at Johns Hopkins University, puts forward a=20
lugubrious thesis for the rise of religion. "Why did we get so=20
preoccupied with the soul?" he asks. "Because we're so dumb we can't=20
think of anything else." The rise of religion, according to Berman,=20
is a marker of the process of "dumbing down". In the US, pop=20
spirituality and obsession with god is directly related to the fact=20
that the number of people reading a daily newspaper has halved since=20
1965.

In India, there's a new fusion. Two years ago, the advertising agency=20
Ogilvy and Mather coined a new term for the age group 18-30: 'Genie'=20
- Generation that Independently Engages in society. The Genie looks=20
far more 'modern' than the rebels of the Sixties, but an overwhelming=20
majority stated that 'traditional' values are best, it's wrong to=20
defy your parents and the celebration of Hindu festivals like Holi=20
and Diwali are an important part of their identity.

Yet, 75 per cent of respondents also said they would consider=20
emigrating to the West if they got a chance.

So modernity's no longer liberal. Instead, modernity is=20
'conservative'. In the words of historian Tapan Raychaudhuri, "The=20
executive who sends his children to an English-medium school and=20
considers Scotch whisky a pre-condition of civilised life, might at=20
the same time be an ardent champion of some miracle working baba."=20
What's happening to 'modernity?'

Modernity's wearing leather pants, belting out the Gayatri mantra and=20
dancing to Hindu rap.

______

#6.

THE MUSSALAM-E-MURGH DOSSIER

1432 hrs, January 31st, 2002. Outskirts of Srinagar. A 0.45 calibre bullet
pierces the broad back of Yasser Muammar Saddam Pervez, and lodges in his
trachea. Half-munched piece of tandoori chicken flies out of his mouth and
lands 16.8 metres away, at the feet of Naik Havaldar Jarnail Singh, who
mistakes it for an unexploded live hand-grenade, and naturally picks it up
to investigate. On noting that it is merely a half-eaten chicken leg,
munches remaining half with relish, but only after wisely detaching and
pocketing Saddam Pervez's false teeth that are attached to the fleshy=20
part of his
unexpected but welcome afternoon snack.

1655 hrs, Forensic Laboratory, Undisclosed Location near the L-O-C. Trained
sniffer dogs detect that false teeth in Havaldar Singh's pockets are not
true false teeth, but false false teeth. Barking out in Morse code, they
communicate this to their Boss, who puts them (the teeth, not the dogs)
under the microscope. Newspapers report demise of Pervez. The Indian Home
Minister rejoices, and leaves for the U.S. to share his glee with George
Bush and 23 pro-India senators. Later discovery that the slain Saddam Perve=
z
is neither the real Saddam nor the real Pervez causes pall of deep collecti=
ve
gloom to descend over these twenty-five gentlemen.

1656 hrs, False Tooth Department, self-same Forensic Laboratory. The false
teeth have been scanned and X-rayed, and three are found not to be teeth at
all. One contains a complete microdot copy of the Koran, but written in
Swedish, to fool curious onlookers. The second contains a 16-digit number.=
=20
The mysterious number is flashed to FBI, CIA and Interpol. The CIA chief
reverts immediately by telephone. It is a Pakistani number from Quetta, in
Baluchistan, part of P-O-P (Pakistan-occupied Pakistan).

"But what is this Pakistani number the Pakistani number of ?", enquires
befuddled Indian Intelligence Officer. The CIA chief asks for more time.

1843 hrs, CIA HQ Langley, Virginia. A crack team of US military commandos
stationed in Quetta is ordered to swing into action. They start by comparin=
g
the 16-digit number with all possible Pakistani numbers, and further
determine that it is a prime number. Therefore it is either a gun licence
number or a dog licence number. CIA Chief gets back on the phone and report=
s
this breakthrough to Indian authorities.

After hours of intricate reasoning and computer simulation, Indian
authorities inevitably conclude that it is a dog licence number, since you
don't need a licence to own a gun in Pakistan. (In fact, you need a licence
NOT to own a gun in Pakistan, and those numbers are only single-digit ones)=
.
Operation False Tooth appears to be at a dead end. Half an hour later, the
Home Ministry discovers that the dog possessing that 16-digit licence numbe=
r
is a Dawood operative living in a high-security kennel in Karachi. US
Secretary of State Colin Powell is sent a formal request from the Indian
Government to pressure the Pakistani authorities into extraditing at least
the dog, if not its owner. Colin forwards the request to Pervez Musharraf,
who forwards it to Dawood, who forwards it to his dog, who eats it up.
Third false tooth seems only hope.

1900 hrs, Feb. 2nd, Centre for Biological Specimens, Hyderabad. Using a
Single Beam Multiply Polarised Electron Microscope (used for the artificial
insemination of fruit flies), a crack team of scientists is able to
decipher micro-encrypted third tooth. It contains the entire text of the
Encyclopaedia Britannica, but with several alphabets missing. These missing
alphabets are quickly supplied by a routine computer Spellcheck, and after
exhausting the sixty three trillion permutations of those letters, exactly
one permutation makes sense. Very diabolical sense, that is.

Home Ministry Internal Security Memo. This part of the dossier is so secret
that it has only been reported as a one-time editorial in the Economic and
Polemical Weekly. The remainder of this account is a translation of that
editorial into English, and might therefore contain some inaccuracies.

1. Yasser Saddam Muammar Pervez is a brother-in-law (also brother, also
father, also second cousin) unto the dreaded Osama Bin Laden, the mastermin=
d
of the WTC bombings and chief of Al Qaeda. Frequently travels under the
assumed names of Omar Gibran Khayyam Kahlil and Sheikh Haroun al
Rasheid. He is said to hold a Yemeni and an Indian passport, though the
Indian one is now invalid because cheap binding has made all its pages fall
out. Indian passport renewal denied by Home Ministry because he listed
seventeen distinct individuals under "Father=92s Name" in his application
form.

2. Pervez heads his own terrorist outfit called Mussallam-e-Murgh (M-e-M
for short), which is headquartered in the coal cellar of a popular Old Delh=
i
kabab-joint cum STD-booth, which also bears the same name. Communication is
via chits of paper rolled into the sheekh kababs, which are in turn
rolled into the STD phone, which is then rolled down the road to waiting
motorcycle courier. Pervez travels only in stolen Maruti Gypsies, and never
uses the same car twice. As an added precaution, drives only in reverse gea=
r
making full use of rear-view mirror.

3. M-e-M=92s stated goal is to foment civil unrest and confusion in India. =
In
this goal, it has a loose alliance with J-e-M and L-e-T, and also direct
access to funds from Al Qaeda and its subsidiary, the Kadaai Gosht
Mujahiddeen. The ensuing items detail some of their planned operations, som=
e
successful, some still in the making, and some aborted.

4. The first is a plan to forge the signatures of Jaya Amma on a large
number of shady real estate deeds, some as far afield as London, Ooty and
Kodaikanal. This causes a large number of criminal cases, all false
implications, to be filed against her, tying the entire judicial system of
Tamil Nadu into a hopeless knot. Also causes loss of her Chief Ministerial
post, her ensuing blackmail of the Prime Minister, and eventually a
withdrawal of her party=92s support to the Central Government, causing it t=
o
collapse. M-e-M doesn=92t anticipate that this move of hers would so boost
her popularity that she=92d win the next election by a landslide. M-e-M als=
o
fails to anticipate that no court of law in Tamil Nadu would be suicidal
enough to bring in a verdict that ever finds her guilty of anything.

5. The second is a plan to attack the heart of India's industrial
prosperity. The Sardar Sarovar Project in the Narmada Valley is slated to
solve all of India's water and energy problems for all time to come, and
thus enable it to become an "info-knowledge-society". This would, of course=
,
be prejudicial to
Pakistani interests, so an internal memo traced to ISI in Islamabad details
the logistics of sabotaging this entire project before it gets off the
ground, in the most effective manner. RDX and other violent methods are
ruled out, because they would arouse immediate suspicion, so the method
chosen is to infiltrate the World Bank with a white sahib M-e-M agent,
code-named M-e-Msahib. His real name is Morse, the same Morse who forms the
Morse Commission, and submits a report trashing the entire project as
unviable. This causes the World Bank to withdraw funding. Again M-e-M fails
to reckon on the hidden riches and even more hidden nationalism of Indian
capitalists, and has to launch a second sabotage mission. This involves a
large number of ISI operatives dressed (or rather, undressed) as tribal
evacuees from the Narmada Valley. They launch a big agitation called the
NBA, and make a last
ditch attempt to derail the construction of the dam. This is an ongoing
project of the ISI and M-e-M, and continues to snarl the courts, the dams,
and the police stations.

6. An aborted plan to replace the Indian Home Minister's bedside reading
matter (allegedly the book "The Erogenous Zones of Sheep and Fowl", by
George W. Bush), with a deeply perverted pornographic novel entitled
"Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus" (by Ludwig Wittgenstein), which would
totally mess up his mind. Plan backfires because of intelligence failure to
note that said mind's reading matter consists entirely of "Mein Kampf",
which makes said mind immune to further messing up. Plan aborted at
preliminary stages.

7. A plan to kidnap the HRD minister of India, and force him to attend
high-school physics classes. The idea being to convince him (by means of
severe caning) of the outrageous canard that Newton's Laws of Motion were
discovered by Newton, when everybody knows they are due to Dronacharya. An
ex-professor of Physics who claims that Newton discovered Newton's laws
would be laughing stock of entire Civilised World, and quickly cost our
nation its infotech and software supremacy. Plan aborted because HRD
minister is only interested in history, and hasn't heard of Newton.

8. This plan is still in the execution stage. The plan is to air-drop large
numbers of puzzle-books, chess-sets and mathematical games on the populatio=
n
of U.P. The large-scale epidemic of logical thinking that consequently
erupts, instantly boosts the average I.Q. of the entire state into the
double digit range, and causes its populace to abstain from all future
elections. Since political parties in U.P. continuously bank on
caste-bashing, temple-building, mosque-busting and communal rioting to get
votes, and since this state controls the Lok Sabha by its sheer size,=20
the calamitous
consequences of a non-imbecilic U.P. population are self-evident.
Fortunately, U.P.-wallahs are a patriotic lot, and aren't falling for this
anti-national plot to make them smarter.

9. This plan is aimed at the leader of the Opposition. Large quantities of=
=20
"Dark and Ugly" facial cream (manufactured by the same people who produce
"Fair and Lovely") are smuggled into Sonia Gandhi's dresser, disguised as
her regular cosmetics. After two months of unsuspecting use, she loses her
white skin and turns dark, or at least 'wheatish'. Thus becomes fully=20
qualified to
contest for Prime Ministerial post, and unseats present wheatish Prime
Minister, on grounds of being even more wheatish than him. Plan aborted
because the cream supplies are adulterated, and instead of darkening
Sonia's skin, cause her to start babbling in Italian-accented Hindi.

10. A large section of westernised, but otherwise sensible Indians currentl=
y
believes that Arundhati Roy is just an uppity woman blessed with a good
prose style and a bad hair style. Little do they know. The self-same Morse
of item 5 above was infiltrated into the Booker Prize Committee the
self-same year Roy got the prize. She is of Kazak origin, and is=20
not a native english
speaker at all, as is clear from the fact that the original hand-written
draft of her novel was written in Roman script, but from right to left. Her
publisher had to hold it in front of a mirror to typeset it, and the fact
never came to light because he burnt the draft and smashed the mirror. Roy
was then recruited by the Cultural Wing of M-e-M (known independently to th=
e
CIA as Biriyani-Do-Piaza) and infiltrated into India through Ladakh,
disguised as an underweight yak. Her exact brief in this country is still a
mystery, but her long diatribes against globalisation, large dams and
nuclear weapons are evidence enough of her ISI and M-e-M links. Fortunately=
,
her readership consists entirely of indolent english-speaking
whiskey-quaffing Indian elite who are more dedicated to the=20
mobilisation of funds than of
people. Currently being administered monthly spankings by the Supreme Court
for being a Naughty, Naughty Girl.

11. The I & B Minister has been crusading against an insidious cable
channel known as FTV. Semi-clad women parade their stuff, ostensibly to
showcase major international designer labels. In reality a deep-seated
fundamentalist plot to hypnotise and eventually rot the brains of all adult
Indian males, a ridiculously easy task since brains of most Indian=20
males grow to a maximum
size not exceeding that of an adult fruit fly. Koranic injunction against
exposure of more than 1 square millimeter of female skin is cunningly
circumvented by using only un-Islamic European women, who are allowed to
COVER at most one square millimeter of their infidel skin. The optical
resolutions of most TV screens being what they are, this one square
millimeter of clothing is generally invisible to the..er.. ahem..
heh-heh..naked eye. On older TV sets, the models themselves are invisible t=
o
the naked eye. (They get only one square meal per year from the sadistic an=
d
sexist Bin Laden, who happens to be their employer since he owns all these
so-called european designer labels.)

12. The financing of Sunny Dettol's jingoistic Bollywood blockbusters. Shee=
r
incompetence in acting, and shoddy direction give patriotism such a bad nam=
e
that most Indians feel actually ashamed to be patriotic, for fear of lookin=
g
like the shirtless, clueless and brainless Sunny. This plan has been a
complete success, because armies of selfless workers have to be deployed by
movie theatres brave enough to screen his drivel, just to mop up the gallon=
s
of vomit that overflow the aisles after each show. In case some mentally
deranged viewer actually likes the drivel, or takes it seriously, this plan
yields same end result as Plan 11 above.

13. Funding, outright purchase of art critics, and market manipulation of
art prices to ensure that M.F. Hussain gets hailed as India's leading
artist. As his name clearly establishes, he's also a second cousin of Sadda=
m
Pervez, but not the same second cousin as Osama. "Fida" in his second name
is short for "Fidayeen". Once established as a top-bracket artist, Hussain
starts painting offensive semi-nude pictures of revered Hindu Goddesses.=20
Plot goes undetected for a decade, because his sophisticated painting style
makes it impossible for the lay viewer to distinguish a semi-dressed goddes=
s
from a fully dressed barn owl. Even the best critics are too blinded by
their adulation and pay-offs to notice, and only the Shiv Sena's eagle-eyed
professional art evaluators later fully expose Hussain and fully un-expose
the goddesses.

14. This plan is the most supremely diabolical one, and could only have
originated from the dreaded Osama himself. Calls for the slow and systemati=
c
replacement of all the contents of the Prime Ministerial liquor cabinet wit=
h
a lethal substitute called "Sherbet-e-Morarjee". It is of a yellowish hue,
and is easily mistaken for premium scotch, both by sight and by taste. Long
term effects include total senility, dyslexia, double vision and
double-speak. Other symptoms are knee-wobbling and slurred speech, and it i=
s
unclear if this particular plan has actually been carried out. Needs to be
investigated thoroughly and terminated immediately.

Post Script: Formal Home Ministry request dated 12/02/02 to Defence
Ministry asking for promotion of Naik Havaldar Jarnail Singh to Jarnail
Jarnail Singh

Legal Disclaimer: I, Vishwambhar Pati, have merely translated and
transcribed the foregoing dossier from a one-time editorial in the
Economical and Polemical Weekly. All responsibility for any inaccuracies,
fabrications and omissions therein lie solely with Yasser Muammar Saddam
Pervez's surviving relatives, and Economic and Polemical Weekly's (barely)
surviving editors.

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--=20